4 Antidotes to Overcome the Power of the Judge Saboteur

This pandemic has definitely allowed me the opportunity to pause and reflect on my values, what I want for my family and for our future. It has also provided with me an opportunity to explore my most harmful inner critic, the Judge.

With the seriousness of the COVID-19 pandemic we have been practicing social distancing for two weeks. I used the first week home with my family as a vacation. We slept in, played, went for walks on a daily basis, and stayed up way too late watching movies. It was a fun week full of laughs and family-bonding. Then, week 2 happened.

Week 2 brought with it a tug-of-war with the things I wanted to accomplish for my business and the things I had to help my daughters accomplish through e-learning. It was a perfect opportunity for my Judge saboteur to takeover! There were days I was sitting by my daughter's side for three hours helping her maneuver through technology, explaining 3rd grade science and having to turn my attention to the preschooler who must have said "Mom, watch me" or ask "Mom, can you play with me?" every two minutes. Meanwhile, all I wanted to do was complete my own work. I felt frustrated, angry, disappointed and even guilt as I was trying to be all things to all people.

It was a hot-mess of a situation and the Judge took advantage! It told me I wasn't smart because I couldn't figure out the answer without seeking the wisdom of Google and Siri. It labeled me as a "trouble" parent because I reached out to the teacher a number of times for clarity and direction. My judge told me I was a unloving mother who was permanently damaging the pre-schooler with inner turmoil because I wasn't giving her enough attention. It told me I am not worthy of being a business owner because I wasn't putting work activities, like writing a blog or creating a Facebook post, as priority. It told me I didn't care enough because although I had reached out to some people to offer support, I didn't reach out to everyone in my contact list.

You see, this is the impact the Judge saboteur has on our thoughts, feelings, stress levels, relationships, and success when we fail to reign it in. Our Judge's superpower is finding fault in us, others and our situation. It badgers us for our shortcomings, making us drown in negative emotions like the ones I described. When it comes to others, it joyful engages the comparison game, making us feel inferior or superior. In regards to our circumstances, it tells us that we cannot find happiness in our current reality. It suggests that happiness can only be found in the future or in different circumstances with statements like "I'll be happy when I have a million dollars." or "I'll be happy when the kids are grown." When we allow our Judge saboteur to hijack us, it negatively impacts our well-being, success and happiness.

Four antidotes that I employed this past week as a way of reigning in my Judge saboteur were:

1.  Noticing and labeling  my Judge's thoughts and emotions. When I was feeling negative emotions of anger, disappointment, frustration, regret, and shame, I labeled them as emotions of the Judge. I also rephrased thoughts that had a judge-y tone to them. For example, notice the difference between these two thoughts "I can't do it" and "My Judge says I can't do it." Or "This is a terrible situation" and "My Judge says this is a terrible situation." By noticing and labeling my Judge's thoughts I removed much of its credibility and power because I identified them for what they were, an unwelcomed intruder.

2. Discerned the situation. Rather than beating myself up for being an imperfect person and making judgments about myself, I discerned what could have been done differently? I asked "What can I learn from this?" and challenged myself to find three positive gifts to the situation. By doing this, my brain shifted from a distressed mode (where I experienced tunnel vision that was fully focused on the problem) to a more positive, growth mindset. In this mindset, I was more likely to take action out of empathy, inspiration, and the desire to contribute. I also was able to find meaning in the midst of the crisis.

3.  Incorporated 2 minutes of mindfulness activity throughout my day. Multiple times a day, for two minutes I rubbed two fingertips together with such a tension that I could feel the ridges of both fingers. As thoughts came, I calmly (and without judgment), let them go and refocused on noticing the feeling of those fingertip ridges. I also set triggers to remind myself to really pay attention to the activity I was doing. For example, my hand-washing trigger reminded me to listen to both the loud and quiet sounds of the water as I washed my hands. I noticed the different texture and temperature of the water as it hit my hands. As I scrubbed, I felt the tickle of the bubbles and the scourging of my fingernails. By doing these throughout my busy day, I was able to take ownership of my focus and attention thereby allowing myself to choose whether I would listen to or ignore the voice of my Judge saboteur.

4. When things weren't going my way, or I didn't get the result I wanted, I visualized the situation and noticed the impact it had on my breathing and face and body posture. As unpleasant as it was, by spending time doing this, I was able to locate where in my body I am most affected by the Judge. I also re-imagined that situation and chose to respond in a more positive way. It was enlightening to experience the difference in my body posture and breathing as a result of choosing a positive way to respond. By re-imagining past responses, I built neuro-circuitry which makes it more likely that I will respond in that more positive manner in the future.

As we look to several more weeks of social distancing, I encourage you to pay attention to your thoughts. If they are negative, it is likely the Judge is using its superpower to impact your experience. Explore one of the four practices I shared to shift to a more positive mindset and perhaps create a more positive experience.