How Your Saboteur Brain Rejects Success
Whether it has been while working for businesses or coaching my clients, it seems that the imposter syndrome comes up for everyone at some point in time, and at every level. I'm learning that no one is exempt from it because in every coaching engagement regardless of the experience, education, title or pay, every one of my clients experiences it at sometime or another. Yes, EVERY client at one time or another has expressed feeling like an imposter; the CEO, the VP, the newly promoted leader, the entrepreneur, and even the mother. The Imposter Syndrome is experienced in every industry; retail, healthcare, financial, political, hospitality, reality, education and technical.
Who you are and your ability to get things done is what makes you an amazing leader. The value you bring to your family, team, organization, community and the world is dependent upon how you've shown up as a contributor and the work you've done that matters. Yet, many people stop maintaining the momentum they had going for them before they got promoted or received recognition.
For example, in recent weeks a number of my clients, personal friends and family members experienced great success. Some were promoted; some achieved a big goal; and others received a very public recognition for their contribution to their organization. ALL of these people are worthy and deserving of their accomplishments. Yet, ALL of them felt otherwise. It has been interesting to witness them downplay or reject their success. It is like their brain won't accept their success. It rejects the new identity or achievement by telling my clients that they aren't worthy or that the achievement is a fluke, a mistake. It tells them not to get too comfortable because this new role or way of being isn't going to last. For those that received the very public recognition, they intercept the praise by saying things like "Oh, it's no big deal." or "There weren't that many who were nominated." or "I got lucky."
I'm not going to sit here and tell you I've never done this; that I've never deflected a compliment because I have. I once attended a leadership retreat where one of the processes was to walk around the room for a period of time giving others compliments and to also receive them. The key in receiving the compliment was that we were only allowed to say "Thank you." Oh my gosh, it was so hard! When I was complimented on my earrings, I wanted to tell the story of how my mom gave them to me as a birthday gift. I wanted to tell people that my curly hair is natural and made its appearance 1 year after marriage. I wanted to share that my positive attitude is a result of my father paying me to read self-help books in high school. I couldn't share any of these stories. I simply had to accept the compliments and allow them to soak in. It was such a powerful experience because it allowed me to see myself in a way that others see me, which was very different from how I saw myself.
This is also true for my clients. I often see greater potential and aptitude for them then they see for themselves. I see how expansive they are and how they are stepping into their power and making a bigger impact on their world. I see such possibility. When I tell them this, they often doubt or disagree with me. They don't see it yet, and as with the people I've referenced already who have achieved success, their brains haven't caught up with the new reality, the new way of being and doing. Instead, it is stuck in the old thought patterns and habits.
If you recall from a previous blog post, the brain's main job is to conserve energy so that it can keep us safe in an emergency. We all know that when we're making a change, we expend energy as we step out into the unknown, explore what is available to us, and take action that pushes us to our next level. This is very scary according to the brain. It is a huge challenge and goes against the very purpose for which it was created, to conserve energy and keep us safe.
When we experience new found success, our brain causes us to think "We are not worthy" so that we will stop expending that valuable energy. I see this all of the time. Someone gets promoted and then they suddenly stop doing the work that they were doing before the promotion. It is like they get amnesia and forget how to move metrics and engage people. They forget how to do the job. They revert to their old way of thinking and doing things. In an attempt to conserve energy, the brain resorts to that which it has known the longest.
The brain also tells us "This success you're experiencing, it is a fluke. It won't last." It reminds us of our old beliefs by replaying old tapes over and over again. For example, since high school I have struggled to maintain a healthy weight. I've always been a little bigger than I wanted to be. As a result, I've always identified myself as this kind of person. A few years ago I lost 40 pounds and was the smallest size I've ever been. Although I liked the way I was feeling and how my body looked, my brain kept telling me "When you get pregnant you'll gain it all back." or "When people lose weight they never keep it off. What makes you think you're different?" My brain was rejecting my weight loss success and it caused me to doubt my ability to keep the weight off by reminding me of my old beliefs, the beliefs I had as a teenager! And as we all know, our beliefs create our results. Sadly, I've been reunited with most of those 40 pounds.
Marianne Williamson is most known for writing "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are more powerful beyond measure." It wasn't until I presented this idea to the freshmen class of Mount Marty College, that I realized it really isn't that we are afraid of our greatness or possibility. It is actually that we aren't used to it. That unfamiliarity creates an emotional experience for our brains. I would even add, that it may not actually be fear that we are experiencing, but rather simply a discomfort. When we experience success, whether that's a new role or accomplishing something through disciplined practice, we enter into a new space, a new reality. That newness causes our brains to get confused on how we're suppose to think and behave. It wonders "What are the rules and guidelines?" When it comes to finding the answers, it does what it has always done. It refers to our past beliefs, thoughts and actions. Unfortunately, old patterns don't create more success or even allow us to maintain what we have. Our new success requires us to have different thoughts, NEW and BETTER ones! Those new and better thoughts inspire new and better actions. With time, those new actions create new and better results.
If you're feeling shaky or unsettled in your recent success, I encourage you to accept it just as I had to accept all those compliments at the leadership retreat. Be grateful for what you've accomplished; the new title, the new role and responsibilities. Be grateful that others want to praise your efforts, that you are growing and possibly even inspiring others. Be grateful for being determined, disciplined and persistent enough to have reached your goal. An attitude of gratitude is not only good for your mind, body and spirit, it acts as a magnet to attract more goodness into your life!
The second thing I encourage you to do is to pay attention to what you're thinking and how that pesky Saboteur brain may be causing self-sabotage. I've seen this in my clients when they suddenly start creating drama in their lives. They become hot-messes by starting to show up late, lose things, act as if everything is an emergency and everyone needs their immediate attention instead of planning, strategizing and taking laser-focused action. I have also seen people who have received a significant pay increase spend all of the money in spite of wanting to save it. In the past, these people weren't used to having so much money in their bank accounts, so their brains tricked them into returning to their old belief of being a person who doesn't have that much money. Those thoughts then led them to spend it in order to create the reality of their belief. CRAZY! I've even seen people who received acknowledgment for a job well done or being recognized as a super star in their organization start thinking they should look for a new job!
A few other telltale signs that your brain it is not handling success well are:
It delegates your success to anything that is outside of you; someone else, the right timing, or pure luck.
It thinks your success is a fluke and won't last.
Within a year of being promoted, you suddenly want to change something that has brought you success in the past.
As you near the achievement of your goal, you suddenly decide it is a good time to quit because your Saboteur brain has made up some story about what it will mean when you've accomplished it.
When you receive praise, you deflect or discount it.
It is important to be aware of our thoughts because we don’t always how our decisions could be interfering with our success. It is equally important to know that when these thoughts present themselves, they always seem like good ideas. So pause, evaluate your thoughts, explore ALL the outcomes that they could produce before taking action. Another key is to be well rested and notice your emotions around the decisions you're about to make. Knowing the condition of your brain will help you make better decisions. One final thing that has been very helpful for me is having a coach.
I enjoy sharing and celebrating my breakthroughs, those moments when I've accomplished a goal and my confidence is high. My coach forces me to pause and feel the success; making it part of who I am. It has also been incredibly helpful when she points out how my Saboteur is interfering, downplaying or even berating that success. Meeting with her each week allows me to stay focused on controlling my thoughts and being intentional with my actions. I have learned to consider the foundation of my thoughts when I have an urge that seems urgent and awesome. If I am tired and my reasoning is shaky, I wait and explore the idea with my coach. Getting an outside perspective is so valuable! If I can clearly see that the idea supports me on my success journey, then I allow myself to that opportunity. When my brain has finally accepted my success (my new way of being, thinking and doing), only then will I be ready to begin the next portion of my journey. I need to be confident, feel and believe that I am a better version of myself with better thoughts before I progress. If I move too quickly, chances are that my brain will revert to my old thinking and habits. The result of that will be a journey that will be twice as hard. As I learned in cheerleading, "PERFECTION BEFORE PROGRESSION." When my brain has accepted my new reality and is perfectly ready, that's when it is time to take on the next growth opportunity.
What recent success have you accepted and which have you rejected? What were those experiences like for you?