Self-Compassion, NOT Confidence, Is A Sustainable Method for Success
This weekend I had the honor of working with teens during the “JUST AS YOU ARE” workshop. This blog post is a reflection of that experience.
When you were young, what were you told when it came to overcoming challenges or succeeding in life? Were you told to have a straight back, push through, and not let other people see your doubts and limitations? Or, were you taught to be kind to yourself and to accept imperfections and see failures as learning opportunities?
Many of us are raised with the idea that we should be confident and that’s what’s going to bring us further in life; not showing our weaknesses, focus on getting better and being better than others, or at least being above average.
We build self-confidence whenever we achieve things, but what if we lose those things or if we can’t keep it up anymore? Our self-esteem takes a hit and this focus leads to competitiveness and a feeling that we are never ‘good enough’.
Research shows that having a focus on self-compassion is a more sustainable method and is more of a support to our success, wellbeing and health in life. It has also shown to be related to lower levels of anxiety and depression compared to people who focus on self-confidence.
Having self-compassion allows us to feel inherently worthy despite our achievements and our appearance. A self-compassionate view is not based on comparison or the defeat of others, it’s rather about treating ourselves as we would treat someone we love.
Growing in self-compassion
Self-compassion is built up of the following 3 core elements:
Self-kindness. This means being gentle and caring towards oneself rather than getting angry or frustrated when things don’t go as planned. Having a forgiving attitude as opposed to being self-critical.
Common humanity. This means having the awareness that fear and pain is universal and there are other people who have navigated similar hardships as you.
Mindfulness. This means having the ability to sit and observe the mind without trying to push away negative thoughts and feelings. Being present and willing to stay open to our thoughts without “over-identifying” with them.
What’s next for you?
Becoming more self-compassionate starts with noticing the way you talk to yourself and the way you respond to your own perceived failures. Which stories do you tell yourself? How do you treat yourself? Becoming more aware of these inner dialogues offers you the opportunity to change the conversation and start a more supportive relationship with yourself.
In addition to becoming more aware of your inner-talk, you could keep a mindfulness meditation practice to improve your ability to observe and be present with yourself and your thoughts.
Note, that at first it can be unsettling when you become aware of the chatter that is going on in your mind – it might seem that it gets even louder when we focus on it. Know that this is a normal part of the process and you will become better at observing your thoughts without clinging to them over time.
If self-compassion is a topic you’d like to work on, consider taking it to coaching session. With the support of your coach, you could explore next steps and what would be most helpful to you.