PQ: The Only Solution You Need

Yesterday wasn't a bad day by any means. It was a typical day at best. I woke, did my morning routine and got as much work done as I could before my children woke. Once crisis e-learning was complete,  I spent most of the day outside so I didn't have my phone with me to remind myself to do my PQ exercises which normally takes place every 2 hours. WOW! Did I ever notice a difference! By the end of the day, I experienced three big failures which could have been prevented if I would have simply done my PQ exercises.

My first fail was doing yard work while wearing a short sleeve t-shirt. Normally, this wouldn't have been a big deal, except I was trimming the bushes and removing a vine that had grown up and over our fence. By the time my work was done, I didn't just have a sunburn, I had many small, yet painful cuts and scratches all over my forearms. I remember feeling them as I worked, but I was too focused on completing the job so I didn't realize the damage that was being done. My Hyper-Achiever Saboteur was busy telling me to keep pressing on because a completed task would make me feel better about myself. It told me I needed to be efficient and get the work done as a way of receiving self-validation. It went as far as to tell me that if I didn't get the job done I would be unworthy of  any respect and that I would be a disappointment to others, specifically my husband.

Another big fail was the amount of food I over consumed at dinner. After being outside for most of the day, I was eager to return to my make-shift-office so I could complete some unfinished tasks and get to bed at a reasonable hour. The thing that stood between me and my desire was dinner. I sat impatiently at the table while I watched my family eat their meals at the pace of a sloth. It seemed like time was dragging on and on and on, much like watching sand pour out of an hour glass. It was painful!

Once again, my Hyper-Achiever Saboteur attacked me with thoughts of  " You're wasting time by sitting here. If you don't get those tasks done, what kind of person are you? How serious are you about building a business?" It even brought in an accomplice, the Restless Saboteur. My body twitched in anticipation of dinner ending. I was getting edgy as I was thinking about how long it would take me to complete the unfinished tasks. Knowing that I couldn't leave the dinner table until everyone was done eating, I decided to drown out my anxiety by reaching for a second helping of food. As with many other occasions of mindless eating, I ended up eating too much food and feeling uncomfortably full.

The final big fail was allowing a small incident to blow up into an emotionally heated argument with my daughter. After asking her to pick up her belongings, she responded to my request with disrespect which of course spurred me to respond in like fashion. Soon we were both raising our voices and experiencing an intense amount of emotional distress. The argument ended with her storming off and shutting herself in her bedroom for a half hour.

As I sat in shock and disgust for what just ensued, it occurred to me that my request for her to pick up her belongings triggered the most damaging of the Saboteurs, her inner Judge. My daughter's inner Judge didn't accept the simple request as it was intended to be. Rather, it perceived the request as a judgment or critique. It told my daughter "You are messy, irresponsible and not worthy of love." It created such inner shame that she lashed out in defense. Unfortunately, saboteurs are fueled by negative emotion and energy so when she lashed out, it triggered my inner Judge. Thus the downward spiral cycle began. We continued throwing negative emotion and energy into the conversation much like fueling a fire with gasoline until she finally burst and ran away to escape the inferno.

As I said, I felt a deep amount of disgust for how we behaved. I was sad for her and embarrassed for my part in the argument. As I reflected on the situation and realized that ultimately our argument had been between our inner Judges, it triggered my Judge to hijack me completely. It said "You are a horrible mom and  person. You don't deserve to be a coach. After all, if you cannot recognize that this argument was based on an unspoken judgment, how can you expect to help your clients? Who are you to be giving counseling or advice? You don't  even have a perfect relationship with your daughter. What makes you think you are worthy of such a role?" Ugh, it was awful. I still feel such remorse 24 hours later. This is the power of the damn saboteurs. They hold us captive to the negative situations much longer than needed. It is like keeping your hand on a hot stove long after you've received the message "This is hot. Take your hand off or you will get burned."

What I have come to learn from my PQ studies is that my big three fails could have been prevented. In the case of my arms being damaged from cutting back the landscaping and removing the overgrown vine, if I had been mindful and conscious, I would have allowed myself to feel my body longer than a millisecond. I would have really noticed the pain of the cuts and scratches. Perhaps then, I would have connected with my inner Sage and given myself permission to pause  in an effort to put on protective gear; in this case, a long sleeve t-shirt.

In my second failure, the  overconsumption of food was the result of Saboteur interference. I clearly see now that I continued to eat as a way to sooth the negative emotions of the Hyper-Achiever and Restless Saboteurs. If I would have been mindful  and present to the moment, I would have slowed down my eating and savored every bite. As a result, my brain would have received  the message my stomach was sending "STOP EATING! I AM FULL! I CANNOT TAKE IN ANY MORE FOOD!" Additionally, this slowing down would have allowed each bite to be a much more pleasurable experience. It would have dissipated the anxiety I was feeling because mindfulness is a way to quiet the Saboteur part of the brain. Even more important, if I had chosen to be present I would have enjoyed being with my family. I would have engaged in deeper conversation and bettered my relationship with those that matter most to me.

In the handing of the difficult situation with my daughter, had I done my PQ exercises, I would have been more likely to see the hijacking of the Saboteur and would have chosen to respond with empathy, a Sage strength. For example, I could have pictured her as the little girl who is doing her best to manage a very different way of life with crisis e-learning, isolation from friends, and boredom from being in the same environment every day. With this in mind, I could have been patient. I could have listened empathetically to her. I could have reminded her that her mess does not influence my love for her. My love is unconditional. By coming from an empathetic position, I could have connected with her inner Sage which would have allowed us to move the conversation to a more positive, and productive outcome.

All three of my big failures, could have been prevented if I had incorporated my PQ exercises into my day. PQ exercises help me weaken the power the nasty saboteurs have over me by strengthening the Sage part of my brain. When my Sage is well and active, I have at my disposal empathy, exploration, innovation, navigation and decisive action. By connecting and using these Sage gifts, I would have had a much different, more positive outcome in all three circumstances.